Do I Tell Him?

Knowing I was an unplanned pregnancy myself caused me a lot of angst. Strangely enough. My mother had me when she was 16, and married my father so he could get a housing grant. And got divorced and left not much longer after that. I was raised by my father. Who it seems, sometimes impressed upon me the fact that if he hadn’t had me, he would have traveled the world surfing. That’s not to say I know he didn’t love me, but sometimes I just felt guilty, you know?

Now. My son was definitely an unplanned pregnancy as well. I’d only been dating The Boyfriend for 2 months before we found out I was pregnant. So it’s safe to say that my son was unplanned. Unwanted? Not necessarily so. However, there have been times when I have regretted the decision to keep him. (Not often, but they’re there – and I doubt that people who plan their kids ever have that kind of regret). And lately it’s been bugging me.

a few days old

Do I tell him, one day, that he was unplanned? That he’s the glue that holds mommy and daddy together, and prevents them from killing each other? Dont get me wrong, I love The Boyfriend. But like I’ve said before, it’s a love-hate relationship that often borders rather strongly on hate. No, I’m kidding here. I love him, and I believe we were meant to be together, but that we needed something to help us to stay together, because both of us are very flighty people. And that reason is The Kid.

Now, so I tell The Kid that he wasn’t a part of my life plan? That I’d never wanted children?

Do I tell him that I’m only his mommy accidentally?

Do you think it even matters, or am I just making too much of a big deal about it?


7 Responses

  1. Well, there’s no real trauma in knowing that you were a bit of an accident. I was. But perhaps you don’t reveal that there was any post-birth regret.

  2. I don’t believe there’s ever a good reason to tell a child that he/she was a mistake, an accident or unintended in any shape or form.
    It just passes guilt onto an entirely blameless soul. I don’t believe ANY good can come from that.
    My 50 cents..:))

  3. there is no way that he would know that he was unplanned unless you or his father told him. at 27 years old, i still don’t know if i was a planned pregnancy or if i was a “pleasant surprise”. i don’t want to know and i won’t ask my mom. i wouldn’t tell him unless he asks you later in life. you have to ask yourself, “will telling him benefit him or enrich his life in any way”. if yes, then there is your answer. if no, keep it to yourself. JMO!

  4. Here’s the thing – he’s gonna figure it out, one way or another. (I was also an unplanned baby – parents married hastily and separated nastily, then reconcilled, then divorced…). I figured it out when I was very young (kids are smarter that you know) and I always carried some guilt. Thought their unhappiness was my fault in some way.

    Rather he hears it from you, when you can reassure him of your endless love/devotion/dedication at the same time. Tell him he was unplanned but not a mistake. That you could have taken the other option, but chose to keep him. Unplanned is not unwanted. But, you need to explain that to the kid, otherwise he may think unplanned = unwanted and that is NOT GOOD!!

    That being said – I am not sure how I am going to break the news to my own son that he was unplanned. Rather hide my head in the sand until then…

  5. p.s.

    At some point, you did have a choice, and you chose him. Everyday you still have the same choice, and everyday you choose him. His conception may have been accidental, but you chose to carry him, and deliver him, and to be his mother.

    At one point he wasn’t part of the plan, but the plan changed – and that’s okay. You could walk out the door today, but you choose not to. Now he is part of the plan.

  6. I don’t think it’s relevant until he asks, or is old enough to start making his own reproductive choices. Lots of the world’s people arrived here unexpected – it’s just important that it come up lovingly, and and never in anger or with resentment. After all, he’s a glorious surprise, not a mistake.

  7. I was a ‘mistake’ if you can call it that. My mother fell pregnant with me not long after she turned 17. Her and my father ‘had’ to get married (OH the SCANDAL!). Two years later they were divorced. I never really got to know my father. With my mother’s age, however, I would have eventually done the math.

    My pregnancy was also unexpected for me…and I didn’t actively WANT a child. I believe things happen for a reason though…the time must have been right.

    I don’t think I’ll tell my child how I felt though. Perhaps because I grew up feeling like I was a mistake. It’s nice to tell My Evil Mother when she starts with her ‘I carried you under my heart for 9 months’ crap that it was an accident and she shouldn’t make as if she intended it! (Pointing out that there is potential here for throwing it in your face later!)

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