About

So I like to think I’m pretty bad. I like to think I’m pretty hardcore. But a soggy,toothy smile from my nearly two-year old son totally melts my cold heart.

It was, as most of you know, an unplanned pregnancy. I’d previously thought I was pro-abortion. Turns out, I was mistaken. Sometimes I regret that choice. Other times not.

They say that becoming a mother teaches you patience. I say not. I’m no more patient than I was before, I’ve just learnt to put someone else before myself. I still have no patience for anyone else. There’s none left after The Kid.

I’ve learnt not to sweat the small stuff. So he wants to suck his dummy? So what. Parting him from it is a problem to worry about in the future. Not today. So he wants to watch TV? So what. It gives me a bit of time to go for a smoke, have a shower. I’m okay with that.

I used to be horrified at parents who pulled funny faces and made funny noises at their babies in public. Now I dont care who sees me do it. Why? Because it makes him laugh. And that’s worth all the public humiliation in the world.

My life hasn’t turned out exactly the way I planned. Most of the time, I’m oaky with that. While all my friends get up in the morning and get dressed for a day in court, I get up and stay in my pjyamas. I get dressed in the afternoon, before The Boyfriend gets home. They have briefcases and business suits, I have nappy bags and playsuits. Their work day ends when they leave the office, mine begins when I put The Kid to bed, and I head upstairs to hit the textbooks and law reports.

I work on my thesis while The Kid plays at my feet. I cook dinner while reading law journal articles and playing with The Kid. I can type out notes while giving The Kid a bottle. I can change a nappy while he’s on my lap. I dont mind when he vomits on my papers or chews them. My life is my baby. My friends’ lives and babies are their jobs. My baby is my life, and my job.

I used to think being a stay at home mother was a cop-out.A way of getting out of working. I now know that it’s the hardest work there possibly is. And there’s no pay, and little recognition. One day in an entire 365day year is nowhere near enough to acknowledge what we do.

I’ve learnt that being a ‘bad mommy’ doesn’t mean you dont care. Or that you’re really a bad person. Sometimes it’s what your kid needs. Letting them drink the bathwater, eat grass and suck the carpet is not the end of the world.

In fact, it’s only the beginning. And while my kid is learning how to be a kid,

I’m learning how to be a mommy.

Albeit a bad one…

Before I was a mommy…I never thought I had any sort of maternal instinct. Other people’s children freaked me out. And still kinda do.

Before I was a mommy….I thought I couldn’t have children. When I found out I was pregnant, I considered abortion. But then I remembered that I was apparently unable to have children, and that this one must indeed be a miracle, and how can I destroy a miracle?

Before I was a mommy…My baby was predicted. My dad’s girlfriend went to a fortune teller about a year before I found out I was pregnant. The fortune-teller told her there was a little boy waiting to be born. That he’d been waiting for a long time. Well, he’s arrived now and is very much here. All 7.5 kg of him.

Before I was a mommy…I never planned to have children. Ever. Now when The Boyfriend suggests having a girl too, I sometimes think it’s not such a bad idea.

Before I was a mommy…I had no idea about responsibility. I have a slight inkling now. There’s nothing like being responsible entirely for another person’s well-being to scare the snot into you and make you become a better person.

Before I was a mommy….I was a party-girl. Every night of the week. In fact there weren’t enough hours in the night, or bottles of vodka in the world for me to party as much as I wanted to.

Before I was a mommy…I thought I would throw up if I had to change a shitty nappy or deal with vomit. I dont even flinch. I get covered in spit and vomit all the time. It doesn’t bother me in the least.

Before I was a mommy….I didn’t understand what parents meant by ‘….you’ll only understand how much I love you when you have a child of your own….’ I now know how much they love me. And it’s a whole bunch!

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“To decide to be a mother is to make the decision to have you heart walking around outside your body for the rest of your life….”